"Looks Like A Lonely Winter For Us..."

This is kind of a serious post...I feel so lost and confused and vulnerable right now. Graduating in 4 weeks... Got a call from the Borgata to come on another interview and am going on one in Manhattan tomorrow...both have pics above...and of course I will finally be leaving state college, pa. where i have called my home for 3 1/2 years. It brought so many firsts. My first college experience, first love, first boyfriend, being able to accept myself. It has been an insane almost 4 years and I'm feeling really...heartbroken. I hate it here, I am ready to move on and experience life...but it is so difficult to do this when you are so comfortable.

Also, this Gwen Stefani song came on my ipod today and I almost broke out in tears. It reminded me probably just about a year ago this week; give or take a few days... I was seeing someone who I cared deeply for; it was short lived....but I fell so hard for him. I used to listen to this song everyday on my ipod. I think its really rare that a pop song can be so moving... but this one is. This was all going on right after I broke up with my first boyfriend and he was in Japan. It was such a lonely, confusing time for myself. I was so depressed...not because I thought I would never have another boyfriend or find someone else I cared for...but I think at the time I didn't want to. So many nights were filled with movies and making out by the fireplace. Getting wasted out of oru minds at Mad Mex and Chumleys... Throwing snow at each other while we were wasted out of our minds...Making out in the middle of players dancefloor...

I have moved on...SLOWLY...but surely... I still care for this person, as well as my first boyfriend...but not in that "boyfriend" kind of way... just the kind of way you'll always care for someone with whom you have shared true intimate moments with...ones where you look into their eyes...and know they are connected with you.

It seems like yesterday, I'd lie in bed, while he sang songs while dressing for class; or at least ones which we actually didn't skip... singing...

"He wanted love, I taste of blood
He bit my lip, and drank my war
From years before, from years before"